Be Our Guest: Woman Wants To Marry And Make Love To A Chandelier Named Lumiere

No one loves chandeliers quite as much as this Englishwoman, who recently became engaged to one.

Amanda Liberty, 33, of Leeds, said she proposed to her favorite chandelier on Valentine’s Day while continuing an open relationship with the rest of her collection of 25 chandeliers.

“You can’t control who you fall in love with and things just went from there,” Liberty told Caters News.

She explained she first saw her fiancée, named Lumiere, on eBay last year, and it was love at first sight. The nearly 30-inch wide chandelier is an antique and had to be shipped over from Germany.

“I couldn’t stop thinking about her and how beautiful she was — she has such a beautiful shape, and I could feel really amazing energy coming from her,” Liberty said. “Although I knew it would be tricky to get her home, I knew I needed to find a way to make her mine.”

Although Lumiere is the only chandelier that wears a ring, Liberty explained she loves all the light fixtures in her collection.

“None of my chandeliers are jealous of each other, they understand that I love them all for all of their different personalities,” she said. “For example, I love kissing and cuddling Lumiere, but I sleep with Jewel every night, as she is portable and very nice to cuddle.”

It’s not often that I read a headline and I’m like, “Whoa. That’s crazy,” and then the story gets even more insane as you read through the article. This is one of these stories. Not only does ole Amanda love the shit out of Lumiere to the point where she proposed to it, but she also has other chandeliers that she has relationships with. I’m not one to typically tell someone else how to live their love life, but a chandelier-centric polyamorous relationship is just a touch too much for me.

“Chaps, you ole Wet Bandit Lookin Face Ass, who are you to judge? Love is love!”

True! I’m not judging but I can certainly say that this lifestyle isn’t for me.

“Absolutely. You shouldn’t be forced to date a lighting device if you don’t want to! You’re happily married! Congrats on that, btw.”

Thanks, man.

Anyway, I could see falling madly in love with one candlestick holder. I mean, you walk in from a long walk in the snow-covered forest after being chased by some wolves and the only things that give you the time of day at first in your scary new mansion is a miniature grandfather clock and a French-accented chandelier named Lumiere. You’ve always been a sucker for the French tongue. Probably has to deal with their brand of kissin. Buddy, you love to kiss. You get handsy as hell. You grab a little bottom. Buttocks. You lay down with your new lover on the bed and he gives you this look. What are you supposed to do when he starts singing this tune?

You dance all over the place with your new love and then bed him the fuck down. Passion. Ever heard of it?

Now, I need to caution the ladies. Don’t stick candle wax in your coochies. No matter how much you think you love your new chandelier or candlestick holder, make your mans put a condom on his candlestick. Rogue wax in your unmentionables will leave your unmentionables smelling like a Christmas pine but leave those lips in a world of hurt. Lots of people are allergic to many types of scents.

“But Chaps. What if the candlestick is really big?”

They don’t just make Magnum condoms for me, my friends. You can use them, too.

(the last line is because my dick is big.)